Earth Cooking with Thanos: 90s Alternative Rock Edition (part 1)

This story appears in full in M/U’s 2020 speculative fiction anthology, Demiurges and Demigods in Space, Vol. 1. To read this in its entirety, along with all of the other brilliant pieces included in the collection, you can obtain paperback and PDF copies in our store, with Kindle versions available on Amazon.

Ah, Earth! My favorite floating meat locker in any barred spiral galaxy. Though the Silver Surfer has repeatedly thwarted my attempts to enslave the entirety of its population, it's a planet I still visit as much as I can, if not strictly for reasons of pure evil, epicurean sentimentality. I find Earth particularly enthralling in its glorious perihelion, when all the delicious ingredients from this radiant space rock shine like diamonds in the sun, the inevitable source of its eventual destruction!

People may not realize that I, Thanos, am quite the gourmand, but this paramour of Mistress Death wears many hats. Guess what? I look amazing in a chef's toque! Who would have thought? I know, I might have been a bit cranky in the past, but now I'm just a bashful titan trying to turn the corner, and boy am I super excited to share my best Earth recipes with you readers.

Listen, I have to get something off my chest before we get into these recipes. I have a violent and consuming lust for 90’s alternative rock music. It is insatiable. I want to talk about Better Than Ezra’s “Desperately Wanting,” released in December of 1996. It was such a turbulent year in my life. I guess you could say I was “desperately wanting” validation from the elusive Mistress Death, haha.

Anyway, to get serious for a minute, “Desperately Wanting” is a track that totally gives me chills. Here we have Better Than Ezra conveying a burning, hungry feeling of longing. The mild jangly pileup of the guitar intro immediately imbues the song with a mood of stark, midnight urgency that persists throughout the duration in varying amounts of fuller, distortion-laden textures. “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters, arguably serves as the penultimate example of this musical aesthetic, and there are peripheral similarities in the two singles: lyrically, thematically and structurally.

“Everlong”, however, is an absolutely stunning superlative. That rare magical conifer in the snowy clearing. The townspeople recognize it as their grand, village Christmas tree every year, as per hundred-year  tradition. A song that by mere mention invites an unfair comparison to “Desperately Wanting” which might obtusely imply that Better Than Ezra’s hit single off Friction, Baby is anything less than a soulful, lovesick magpie singing its nostalgic heartbroken melodies through the crumbling eaves of a dilapidated Southern mansion. It is a glimmering sapphire. If I grow anymore nostalgic and poetic, I must balance it with euthanasia!

In the mid to late 90’s, I, Thanos the horrible harbinger of intergalactic strife, the grand eradicator, executioner of the cosmos, was really stuck on modern rock radio. I spent a few summers on the Jersey Shore playing devil sticks and listening to Y100 radio on the Wildwood boardwalk. Got a tribal tattoo. Lonely but hopeful times, and with minimal destruction. Times sure have changed. I will decimate those who do not willingly submit themselves to the ravenous demands of my unholy mistress!

It is unfortunate that Better Than Ezra is undoubtedly better known for their big song “Good,” which totally sucked. The song was all over the radio constantly. It really blew, with it’s corny-ass 90’s teen comedy big Kim Deal-biting roly-poly bass line and awful, yelping vocalizations on the chorus. Their second biggest single, “Desperately Wanting,” is far superior.

I crave destruction! But listen to those lyrics: “I remember runnin’ through the wet grass / fallin’ a step behind / both of us never tiring / desperately wanting”.

Beautiful. It almost brings a tear to my eye, but then I remember that I’m also a cruel portent of death, a space demon who massacred over a million denizens of my home planet in a wanton, indiscriminate crusade to offer sacrificial tribute for the demands of Lady Death to appease her barren, lusting manifest, aflame in glory atop a magnificent and profane throne! Pestilence upon those not yet rendered living chattel! All are merely offerings to the fleshless zone of eternal damnation!

Anyway, here’s a knockout recipe for any dinner party or gathering of loved ones. Pay attention or be crushed into space detritus!

Walrus Wellington

This elegant dish is one of pure indulgence, and as a madman who freely commingles sexual pleasure and death, I must say it is delicious. Yes, Walrus Wellington... it takes me back to my childhood on planet Titan. The Deviant gene that I inherited through cursed heraldry caused an unfortunate facial deformity. In a certain light, my face could be said to resemble that of a walrus, as the children so heartlessly teased.

Children can be cruel, but so can Thanos. In my quest to appease the unquenchable thirst of Mistress Death, I will massacre a frozen sea full of walruses for my Wellingtons!

Ingredients

For mushroom duxelles:

1 pound hallucinatory forest mushrooms, coarsely chopped

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, or virgin's blood. Virgin walrus? Not likely...

1/2 teaspoon salt from the blistering seas

1/4 teaspoon finely ground obsidian

For herb crepe:

1/2 cup all-porpoise flour. Porpoise only! No dolphins! They are as intelligent as Titans, and they are capable of displaying affection <3 <3 <3

2 eggs. Any Earth animal's eggs shall be fine

1 teaspoon sugar. Lately I have been substituting Pixy Stix, a sugared product served in a straw by a human named Wonka. The colors are quite fanciful.

1/2 teaspoon salt, again blistering, if possible

2 tablespoons chives, minced

1/2 cup whole milk

1/4 cup water. Yes, water, the giver of life to this weak, soluble planet, which I shall soon enslave and deprive of said life-giving "water.” Bow to my dreams of power become reality!

4 tablespoons butter, melted, plus more if needed for pans

For walrus Wellington:

2 pounds filet of walrus, blubber-laden and glorious

Salt and black pepper, to taste

2 tablespoons olive oil

1/4 cup whole-grain Dijon mustard, only use Grey Poupon if you're yuppie scum like my brother Starfox, Eros of Titan, that craft-beer drinking hipster...just kidding bro, I love you! See you next Eternal year!

1/2 pound prosciutto di Parma, and YES, you have to get it straight from Italy to be legit. Hurry up though, because I'm leveling Europe in six months to clear space for a massive monument to Mistress Death. Destruction and forced servitude to all who oppose!

1 sheet puff pastry, thawed

1 egg yolk

1 tablespoon whole milk...even though I usually drink skim milk, because this shit goes STRAIGHT to my thighs. Don't tell my Crossfit trainer!

Directions

To make mushroom duxelles: Add mushrooms to a food processor and process until completely smooth. The consistency is similar to wet hummus. I love hummus! Especially when I can crush the souls of infidel Earthlings and throw them into my blender along with the more traditional chickpea preparation.

In a pan over medium heat, add mushroom paste, olive oil, salt, and other flavorsome Earth minerals. Spread the mixture evenly over the surface and cook on a medium-low heat until the moisture in the paste has reduced and the mixture has the consistency of a spreadable pâté.

Remove from heat and let cool.

To make herb crepes: In a large bowl, whisk together flour, eggs, sugar, salt, and chives. Whisk in milk, water, and 1 tablespoon of melted butter, until smooth and emulsified.

Heat a crepe pan or large skillet over medium heat. Add remaining 3 tablespoons of butter. Add 1/4 cup of the batter. Rotate pan in a circular motion over the heat to completely cover the surface with the batter. The edges of the crepe will begin to curl slightly as the crepe cooks. Cook for approximately 45 to 60 seconds, then flip crepe to cook the other side. Each side should be a pale golden brown. Remove from heat. Add more butter if needed to the pan and repeat process with the remaining batter. Set crepes aside.

Preheat the oven to 400º F.

To make steaks: Pat walrus meat dry with paper towels and season generously with salt and black pepper. Heat a skillet over medium-high heat and add olive oil. When the oil begins to smoke, add the walrus and brown from 1 to 2 minutes on all sides. You want to create a nice sear on the outside of the tusked bastard's fatty meat product but leave the inside raw. WITH THE INFINITY STONES ASTRIDE MY GLOVED HAND I AM UNSTOPPABLE. Remove from heat and place on a cutting board to cool.

Cover cooled filet with Dijon mustard.

To roll the walrus Wellingtons: On a cutting board, lay out a long piece of plastic wrap. In the middle of the wrap, lay out a crepe. Spread mushroom duxelles over the crepe. Lay out the prosciutto on top of the duxelles. Place filet in the center of the crepe and gently wrap the crepe around the filet. Trim off any excess and use the plastic wrap to tightly wrap the steak.

Lay out a clean, long piece of plastic wrap. Gently roll out puff pastry until it is a 1/4-inch thin. Place the wrapped walrus steak on one end of the puff pastry and wrap. Pinch the ends closed and trim off any excess puff pastry. Use the plastic wrap to tightly seal the puff pastry. Pop it in the fridge for about 5 minutes to let it firm up again.

In a bowl, mix together egg yolk and milk.

Place a sheet of parchment paper or aluminum foil on a baking sheet. Remove Wellington from fridge, remove the plastic wrap, and lay the Wellington seam-side down on the baking sheet. Baste the top of the puff pastry with the egg wash and bake for approximately 25 to 30 minutes or until the internal temperature of the steak reaches 125º F, or to whatever temperature you prefer your steak.

Remove from the oven and let rest for at least 10 minutes before slicing into medallions. Serve this unholy creation warm, not piping hot! Walrus meat has to settle a bit, you fools! Blasted fools!

I sure feel like pampered royalty anytime I sink my savage and fierce teeth into a tusked mammal’s flesh...the fat just melting all over my horrible face. Thinking about it, I can't help but throw my evil head back towards Saturn and laugh a chilling, troubling laugh that will cause sorrow and crop ruin across a thousand mile radius! Yes! Sweet Death, embrace my infernal soul in your sallow arms and let the lamentation of the masses be my lullaby!