Earth Cooking with Thanos: 90s Alternative Rock Edition (Part 2)

This story appears in M/U’s 2020 speculative fiction anthology, Demiurges and Demigods in Space, Vol. 1. To read this alongside the other brilliant pieces included in the collection, you can obtain paperback and PDF copies in our store, with Kindle versions available on Amazon.

Hey, listen. People forget that the 1980’s spilled way over into the early 90’s, culturally and spiritually. It kept things pretty fucking radical and absurd until at least 1994. Musically, by the mid to late-90’s, it became a bit of a trope for angsty alt-rock bands to get all earnest and roots-minded and do their best Springsteen impression. Pearl Jam was jamming out with Neil Young, and shit like that. Thanos loves Neil Young, but Pearl Jam is garbage! Curse Eddie Vedder and his forlorn foghorn warble!

Adam Warlock likes Pearl Jam, but he wears a wrestling singlet, and he’s on my short list of people to incinerate and scatter their ashes into the crushing, timeless desolation and despair of a black hole.

In 2008, The Gaslight Anthem perfected the punk rock-Boss idolatry blueprint, hitting a phantom nerve on the bullseye with The ‘59 Sound. Back in the rock and roll trenches of the 90’s modern rock warzone, though, the best single satisfying that whole vibe has to be “Broadway” by the Goo Goo Dolls. And wow what a genuine surprise, because the Goo Goo Dolls otherwise suck. Seems like it would be such a paltry comparison, but damn if this song doesn’t hit hard for some elusive reason. It plays a lot at the supermarket. I shop at arcane bazaars and strange trading posts in galaxies projected from incomprehensible vacuum dimensions for rarefied ingredients originating from the most desolate reaches of the cosmos! Also, I frequent Costco for their reasonable bulk ground beef prices.

“Broadway” wasn’t actually released as a single until 2000, but it was released on the album Dizzy Up the Girl in 1998, so it counts as 90’s alt-rock! Heed my words or feel the ultimate pain!

“See the young man sittin’ in the old mans’ bar, waiting for his time to die” is such a punch above their weight class lyric for the Goo Goo Dolls. The thing about the band at this point in their career, though, was that they were pairing some decent to good musical ideas with mostly thin, bland instrumentation and that distinct, late 90’s radio rock production that painted everything with this underwhelming palette of melted ice/ diet coke-water and strip mall malaise. 

It’s a shame because when they hit the radio with “Name,” in 1995,  I thought the Goo Goo Dolls were a pretty nifty and ornate little acoustic band of interest. I was wrong. They are a disgrace, like the pitiful attempts by the Avengers to thwart my aspirations for absolute dominion over the cosmos! No lie, though, “Broadway” is a legit song. Unlike that terrible “Iris” song from The City of Angels soundtrack. Yikes. I need a cocktail. Let’s make margaritas.

Blood Margaritas

Here’s a tangy and refreshing cocktail to wash down all that meat and blubber from the walrus Wellington. Wipe the obsidian dust from your lips like so many miserable, pointless lives of feeble agony, waged in the putrescence of a weak planet’s rot and decay. Bow to me! But for now, come on over to Thanos' tiki bar...we're making Blood Margaritas!

Ingredients

Ice Cubes

3 ounces tequila, preferably a reposado. Stay away from anejos, they have too much natural spiciness that can be overpowering when combined with the smoky flavor of the blood of a human being

1 ounce freshly squeezed lime juice

2 ounces freshly squeezed blood from a pure-blooded Mexican citizen

1 teaspoon orange liqueur, triple sec or Cointreau (not necessary, but adds sweetness if desired...Thanos is sweet enough!)

1 tablespoon finely crushed dry ice to garnish rim of Margarita glass ( I just love dry ice... it soothes my cracked, Deviant gene-cursed lips better than any fancy lip balm I've overpaid for at Bath and Body Works!)

Directions

To obtain Mexican blood: The simplest and purest way is to stand in an inflatable children's pool, grab a plump little fellow by his throat and squeeze until rivulets of hot blood flow like the tears of my minions, indentured to my every reckless whim and murderous desire. Interminable pain and suffering for all! Bottle and store excess blood in refrigerator for future cocktail parties. Do not freeze.

To make Margaritas: Fill cocktail shaker with ice. Add tequila, lime juice, Mexican blood and orange liqueur (if desired). Cover and shake vigorously until mixed and chilled. Moisten the rim of a margarita glass or regular rocks glass with a lime wedge and press glass rim against crushed dry ice. Rotate glass until rim is coated. Strain margarita into garnished glass. Be careful, they go down easy! Enjoy!

A margarita is a study in balance; yes, you must wring a Mexican man's neck like a toothpaste tube, but that doesn't mean you need all that delicious plasma in one overpowering drink. Restraint is the name of the game here. Some may eschew store-bought sour mix, in this age of artisanal cocktails and the focus on bespoke ingredients, juices and purees. Agave nectar can be a balanced substitute for sour mix. Thanos is a man of balance, whether you believe me or not. Silence! You will die begging for your life!

It sure has been fun talking about food and drink for a little while, with a little 90’s alternative rock discussion to score our afternoon. I remember going to the Y100 FezTival in 1998 and watching Marcy Playground play a totally “C-‘minus” set. I was eating a really lackluster boiled hot dog, talking to a girl wearing a Party of Five t-shirt, and I remember thinking, “Does it get any more mediocre than this?”

Hope you liked my recipes. Follow Chef Thanos on Instagram. I'll share more recipes in the coming weeks if I have not already enslaved your entire planet's population, and driven them before my mistress Death, while we fornicate like barking galactic sea lions over the dim and distant roar of exploding volcanoes and boiling, lifeless oceans!