Game of Thrones Recap: Things Happened While You Were Elsewhere

Monadnock Underground Staff and Friends React to Season 8 Premiere LIVE

Given that the final six episodes (now down to five!) of Game of Thrones may well mark the last Event Television we see in our lifetimes, coupled with the fact that everyone else on the internet is posting their recaps today, we at Monadnock Underground have decided to get into the mix.

WARNING: SPOILERS ARE EVERYWHERE IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT

In an effort to stand out from the crowd, however, we chose to do something a little bit different. Our editorial staff — Zoë, myself, Kellie, and Jesse — were joined by our friends John and Lark in a very special Facebook Messenger chat group in which we reacted to the episode live. There’s lies, love, family drama, loads of incest, jumping out of seats, Dick Cheney, and so much more. Oh, and we invited Jesse knowing he doesn’t watch the show and would have no idea what is going on. The transcript for our chat — edited for clarity and occasionally for punctuation, is below:

Chris: New opening sequence!!

John: Whoa very sleek very wintery. This is pretty sick.

Zoë: oh hell yes

Chris: Does this mean only winterfell and Kings Landing?

Chris: There they are!

Kellie: THERE THEY ARE

That was not a planned response by us

John: There they are!

Jesse: Eunuch jokes! Love em.

Lark: Small child climbing like Bran

Kellie: Aw Arya hearts Gendry

Zoë: RACIAL TENSION

Arya hearts dragons more than Gendry.

Kellie: Truth. But Sansa is pissed and alone.

Chris: Sansa all alone.

Lark: That’s me walking into Montclair lol

Chris: “Lurking somewhere.”

Tell him, Bran!

Zoë: Bran’s going to deliver it in the most awkward way possible, like when he was like “yo Sansa, I watched your brutal rape”.

Lark: I assume that “not a man yet” was a reference to not having sex yet, I wonder who kind of gratuitous nudity we’ll have this episode!

Chris: There’s all kinds of couplings yet to happen.

Kellie: Who is gonna do Bran?

John: I guess someone is gonna see that third eye.

THERE SHE IS — LYANNA!

Chris: Where? Oh never mind. Wow, Sansa is very unhappy.

Kellie: Sansa piiiiiissed. She wants to stay in charge.

John: I’d give a penny for Yohn Royce’s thoughts.

Yohn Royce has opinions and they are denying us of them.

Chris: We thought he was dead.

Lark: He was revived by the Red Woman, but I always kind of though, “come on” that was kind of, “it was all a dream” kind of bs writing to me.

John: No way! Beric Dondarrion’s sole reason for existing was so that Jon being brought back would be believable!

Lark: I was mad when he died, so I let that bad writing go.

Zoë: Ahh, everyone’s favorite necromancer.

John: Qyburn is the Dick Cheney of Westeros.

Jesse: I’ve a soft spot for the pirate king, is he bad?

Chris: Yeah he’s bad.

Zoë: Jesse’s seeing this as a love story. Pirate king travels the seas to find his queen hahahaha.

Jesse: He seems a puckish rogue! I relate!

Lark: You know that will kill that, with some “you didn’t even need to do all that” torture. Remember with they did to Greyjoy, he was fucked up and when they cut his balls off I was even like, “you went to far man” He was an asshole, but damn.

Kellie: I’ve always thought the Greyjoys were unnecessary.

John: The Greyjoys are everything.

Lark: The golden company has a claim to the thrown through the black fire rebellion…will they press it?!

Chris: What was the Black Fire Rebellion?

John: Some branch of Targaryen bastards that were legitimized or something.

Elephants?!?

Lark: My favorite evil, Cersei Lannister, she’s my role model.

Chris: The coldest evil this side of the wall.

Jesse: That’s some exposition, all right.

Lark: Where are the penises! That is BS.

John: If Qyburn is Dick Cheney, who’s Rumsfeld? I could really go for a “known known” speech right now.

Kellie: “That fucking family” haha Bronn.

Chris: Oh shittt.

Jesse: Pirate king Joakim Brodén is suddenly less endearing.

John: Cersei REALLY wanted elephants you guys.

Kellie: Maybe Cheney can fabricate some for her.

John: Hahahaha.

That arrow through the eye!

Chris: Theon made good!

John: He’s got big balls for a castrato.

Lark: He clearly has gone to counseling, he seems better now.

Do they have therapy in back in then in this made up place…lol.

Chris: Just sparrows.

Zoë: Probably involves leeches or something.

Kellie: Therapy = slaughter.

John: Therapy/bloodletting.

Zoë: Balances the humors.

So much sibling love this episode, and yet no incest yet.

Chris: There’s still time.

Jesse: Okay but what’s up with Dany’s eyebrows?

Lark: Is it wrong for me to say Queen Daenerys hair looks a lot better, her lace front is slamming this now!

Jesse: My hair mats riding a motorcycle, I can’t imagine that’s practical for dragonriding.

Kellie: Love the costumes.

John: Varys, Tyrion, and Davos plotting together is everything I ever wanted.

Kellie: Doooo ittt Jon.

Lark: The Dragon is acting like a kitty.

They must have hired an animal behaviorist and paid them a butt load of money to make the dragons “more real”

John: Jon’s gonna ride a fucking dragon?!?

Zoë: If you wanna be her lover, you gotta get with her dragons.

John: This is a really cute second date for them

I mean the only thing that can top banging your aunt is riding dragons with her.

Lark: So incest, maybe incest wasn’t a thing back then.

Zoë: As a southern girl, I’m def using that line sometime.

John: First cousins aren’t viewed as incest in Westeros. Aunt and Nephew? I guess that’s fine. They’re oddly progressive.

Lark: So if I walk around in a coat like Queen Daenerys, will you all be cool with it or will you mock me when I leave the room. It does get cold here.

Kellie: I like the coat.

Chris: I think you could pull it off.

Jesse: Okay, the little girl is now my honorary puckish rogue.

Zoë: Do you mean Arya?

Jesse: I know almost no names. Maybe?

John: A girl has no name.

Jesse: That feels like a reference.

John: *Shrugs*

Zoë: It’s a long story…involving assassin school.

Lark: That is Baratheon’s last son, the guy making the sword for Aria Stark. My favorite not so important, but kind of character!

So happy he didn’t die, totally thought he was going to die.

Zoë: There’s still time.

John: Gendry and Arya are def gonna smash.

Zoë: Wanna wager? I vote not.

Kellie: Arya has no interest, she just wants to go kill Cersei.

John: I vote a resounding YASSSSSS.

Kellie: Sansa is way too petulant.

Chris: Very unhappy.

John: Sam looks like he’s dropped a few pounds. Good for him.

Chris: Yeah nice part to his hair too.

Lark: I thought that dude, blondie, had leprosy, thought he was dead, too.

Chris: Sam ripped it all out.

John: I MELTED YOUR FATHER AND BROTHER

Zoë: OH SHIT

John: Poor sweet Sam.

Lark: Samwell Tarly thought he was an extra and ended up on this show for real, he worked it just like his character.

Chris: No shit?

Lark: Just made that up, I don’t know if that is true, but it is a good story right…lol.

Jesse: He’s into books and got that BDE, I’m down.

Chris: OH SHIT

John: “Hey Jon that girl you’ve been sleeping with burned my family alive and btw she’s your aunt k bye”

Kellie: Oh shiiiiiit.

Jesse: This show got incest like Breaking Bad has awkward handjobs.

Kellie: YOU’RE A REAL MAN JON.

Lark: WHAT?! OK we all knew that, but you know he was like, “WHAT?!”

Really, we’re doing this lying is bad thing now, like WTF dude, do you see where you are, this ain’t suburban Jersey.

Chris: hahahahha “the truth”.

Lark: Would you rather be dead, but at least you know the truth…people like that annoy me…even in real life..

Zoë: I love how everyone’s like yeah we’re gonna unquestioningly believe Bran’s tree visions.

Better tell Dany to give up the throne, she’ll totally be on board.

Chris: No one ever says “Bran are you sure that’s what you saw?”

Lark: That’s the closest they have to god, they have to believe in something.

Jesse: Bran’s the wheelchair kid, right? He’s got powers?

John: That kid isn’t fucking around. He has an additional eye.

Kellie: Yeah does he go to her like oh sorry auntie I take it back?

Zoë: “I take it back because my creepy brother says I’m the real king sry”

Jesse: Everyone in the room just screamed like they can’t see a jump scare coming.

Zoë: Jesus christ, that arm..ensemble…is terrifying.

Lark: That kid is moving what the hell!

Kellie: Oh that was gruesome.

Chris: So what is the night king trying to say here?

Lark: Look behind you damn it. If some shit like that happened I would be turned around, like don’t you dudes have a plan.

Zoë: Oh THERE’S Jaime.

Chris: Jaime!

Kellie: He looks very aged.

Chris: “Sorry I pushed you out that window.”

Lark: “My bad about you know almost killing you”

Kellie: THAT’S IT

Chris: Haha that is how they end it?

Jesse: That was a trip.