Game of Thrones: The Horror, the Horror
The penultimate episode gave us bad deaths, unjust deaths, romantic deaths, and fan service deaths
Chris: Do it, Varys!
Thought it would be Sansa, but.
Varys’ spider system faltering.
The little birds not working.
Zoë: That’s the same thing I tell my child spies, though.
John: Welp, there goes that idea, Varys.
Chris: He might be a Targaryen, but he’s got the bullshit Stark honor code going.
Zoë: Which is exactly why it makes no sense that everyone thinks he’d be the greatest king eva!
Chris: Agreed there.
Only Sansa and Arya seem to have ever figured that out.
Jesse: Okay, so hair update: Dany’s hair is down — maybe Missandei was doing it? Is my question finally answered?
Kellie: Okay, I can’t even with Dany and her BS. She’s really getting on my last nerve.
Chris: lol yes probably
Kellie: It’s all loose and undone like her MIND.
Chris: Yeah she looks NUTS.
God damn it.
I am upset.
Zoë: So…this is the “Dany descends into total madness” episode.
Chris: My man Varys.
John: Varys will be redeemed. Mark my words.
Chris: This is wrong.
Jesse: If my understanding is correct, that last dragon is he only thing standing between her and being just some chick who spent too much time on her hair
Zoë: WHY is this wrong.
Jesse: Currently: What should have happened to Euron’s boats?
Chris: Pretty much. That and whatever is left of the Unsullied.
I mean it’s not WRONG I’m just mad about it.
John: It’s wrong. He served the REALM. That means something!
Chris: I know, but it doesn’t keep you alive.
Zoë: Dragons shouldn’t be a small thing, though. They had been extinct! They herald the return of MAGIC!
Chris: Dragons became small last episode when they somehow couldn’t see the giant fleet hanging out around the corner waiting to shoot them.
Zoë: Well, yes. They SHOULDN’T be, though.
John: “Is that all I am to you? Your queen?”
“Well no…you’re also my aunt.”
Chris: Yeah I mean that was just such bullshit.
Zoë: If she’s so FiRe CrAzY, why didn’t she torch the ships?
Chris: I’m glad Jon didn’t wanna kiss her.
Kellie: I’m mourning the loss of being team dragon lady.
Chris: He’s got that honor bullshit but she won’t make him do that.
Jesse: Tap the brakes, Dany. Again, devoid of context, isn’t Cersei a big bad they should be focusing on?
Chris: I dunno how much I ever loved Danaerys. I never wanted her to die. In fact if she had stayed in Essos holding the liberated slave cities I would probably like her. But ever since arriving in Westeros she’s been a disaster — unless they need her for a magic deus ex machina and then she saved people sometimes.
Of course none of that Magnificent Seven Capturing a Wight shit made any sense to begin with
Zoë: I think it’s going to be a great story/theme when given enough room to breathe and make fucking sense in the books. I’m just totally not buying this at wild show pace.
Chris: I saw someone on the inter webs make the point the other day — remember that merchant prince guy at one of the Essos cities who wanted to leave her out in the desert?
John: Qarth.
Chris: He was like you want to come into my city and for me to give you my ships…you’ve got what money and what means to pay me back or assure me that you aren’t going to kill me or otherwise be a disaster?
Like everything the dude said was accurate.
Jesse: Called it.
Chris: He was like “if I don’t leave you out here in the desert we’re all in trouble and there’s no upside to saving you.”
I gotta look up his name so we can make a hashtag like “that dude was right.”
Qarth was the city.
Zoë: #qarthdudewasright
John: Yeah I definitely don’t remember the name of the guy I just remembered it was Qarth.
Zoë: When is Tyrion going to learn that this fetus is not the trump card he seems to believe it is?
Chris: Lol his name is “the spice merchant”
I shit you not.
Zoë: Hahahah the spice must flow.
Chris: Yessss
Jesse: #ThatOneSpiceMerchantFromQarthWasRightYouKnowTheOneThatGuy
Kellie: What could possibly go wrong with this plan?
John: Everything!
Chris: Excuse me — spice KING!
Yeah, no shit, this is the dumbest plan ever.
Kellie: Oh, I remember that dude.
Chris: But they really are out of options.
John: That’s the last time Tyrion and Jamie see each other alive.
One, if not both are just so dead now.
But it’s exactly the kind of thing they’d do.
Kellie: Tyrion dies first.
Zoë: So I guess that means the Braime people have to face the fact that Jaime was really seriously going back to Cersei?
Chris: They are wicked dead.
John: Dumb plan, but totally within what these characters would do.
Chris: I mean it’s Jaime and Cersei.
Kellie: I wanted to believe he was going back to kill her or at least fight against her, but that was false hope.
Chris: Of COURSE he was gonna.
Well I mean he could totally still kill her.
He’s a conflicted man.
Kellie: This is why he’s one of the best characters.
Oh, let’s just leave my gold hand totally exposed, GOOD PLAN!
Chris: Wait what in the fresh shit, how are we suddenly in King’s Landing?
Zoë: I think most of that was in King’s Landing.
Dragonstone isn’t that far.
Chris: Oh no, that’s right.
I forgot they were in Dragonstone.
Oh, well, this is a better plan than I originally thought.
I was thinking Jaime was gonna have to run for like 2000 miles to make this happen.
Zoë: Pretty sure I just saw King Robert’s ghost in that army.
Chris: With like no food or help.
Zoë: I mean he just DID, he probably agreed to that plan because he’s a little worn out.
Made it from Winterfell in like 7 hours.
Chris: Hahahahaha, oh yeah, so he still did do that.
It’s already over now lol
John: Jamie didn’t make it in!
Chris: Haha fuck!
Zoë: Threw in that “No, Mommy!” for the mothers’ day feelz.
Kellie: Oh shittt.
Jesse: Wave your gold hand at them.
Zoë: The dragon saw the ships that time!
John: Bye bye Iron Fleet.
Chris: Somehow I still like it when she rides a dragon and fucks shit up.
Kellie: Yeah, I do too.
Chris: Even though I don’t otherwise want her to win anymore.
Kellie: Good underlying dragon theme music.
Chris: I mean I guess part of it is fuck Euron?
John: They did their recon this time I guess.
Jesse: Frick’em up, Dany.
Kellie: Fuck that big mechanical arrow thing!
Jesse: (Not swearing has been the hardest part)
Zoë: If this is supposed to make me hate her, it’s not working.
Chris: I think I read they are called ballistas or something
Jesse: A ballista, we’ve been over it.
Zoë: (For Ramadan?)
Chris: (Haha oh man that’s part of it too?)
John: Welp, wasn’t expecting that.
Chris: Woooow, no way.
Jesse: (Yeah…)
Kellie: Sooo….
Zoë: Hahahahahaa I was TOTALLY expecting that.
Chris: Will the dragon fire accidentally set off any of that wyldfire still in Kings Landing?
Where are the Dothraki from lol
They sacrificed them all.
Zoë: Hahahah nevermind, I was jumping the gun, I thought that was wyldfire.
Kellie: Hahaha
Jesse: Do we know this guy that got ran down?
Zoë: And yeah last episode we learned there were a few Dothraki.
John: Wyldfire is green!
Chris: But LOOK this is exactly why Robert Baratheon wanted to assassinate her when she was still young.
Zoë: I heard the explosion and was like…WYLDFIRE.
John: Harry Strickland, head of the Golden Company.
Chris: No, I know that wasn’t wyldfire but I’m saying at some point.
Kellie: Nope, just regular old dragon fire.
Chris: Bobby B was like “she’s gonna show up here and set everyone on fire and destroy Kings Landing.”
Chris: Great shot of Tyrion.
Jesse: I have Strong Feelings about the role of dragons here.
Kellie: Tyrion, your plan isn’t working.
She’s gonna set the bell tower on fire.
John: Hahahaha
They’re surrendering.
Chris: Wow, man.
First time King’s Landing has been sacked since Robert’s Rebellion.
Zoë: Ok, this is stressful.
Chris: Yep.
Jesse: So we arguably have three separate assassins going for Cersei rn
Zoë: What if they all chant “DING DONG” together or something, god!
Chris: The bell tolls for Cersei.
Hahahahaha, see….
Kellie: That’s not good enough for me — Dany
Zoë: Dany looking like Kellyanne Conway.
Chris: This is why the viewer turns against Dany.
She couldn’t respect the surrender.
John: Oh, this is the part where Dany goes all Donald Rumsfeld.
Zoë: You were wondering where he was weeks ago!
Chris: Known knowns and unknown knowns?
Jesse: 😧
John: Hahahaha exactly!
Jesse: Additional 😧ing
Chris: What the FUCK!
It was HERS!
It was over.
John: “When our turn comes we shall not make excuses for the terror.”
Chris: Hahaha dude.
Kellie: What a fucking hypocrite.
John: Tell me that’s not apropos!
Kellie: All because it all got too personal.
Chris: It’s certainly an argument against us ever using that phrase.
John: I’ll say!
Jamie/Euron I didn’t know I wanted this.
Chris: Haha I am not sure how I feel about it
Kellie: Jaime can’t die like this.
Jesse: I’m…very curious how this could satisfactorily resolve in one more episode.
John: Only a flesh wound.
Chris: I think we all have the answer to that, Jesse.
Zoë: Oh, I’m not a fan of this.
Chris: This is pure ridiculousness.
Kellie: I’m starting to hate all of this.
John: There’s the wyldfire.
Jesse: Remember the fight in They Live?
Kellie: I don’t think I will be happy with any resolution we will see.
Chris: Haha yeah see that’s what I was talking about.
The wyldfire.
Zoë: This Euron/Jamie thing is particularly unsatisfying in terms of character arcs.
Kellie: Completely agree.
Chris: How did they fuck this great show up so badly?
Zoë: Cleganebowl is imminent.
Chris: Yep here we go.
John: Qyburn.
Hahahaha!
Fantastic!
Jesse: What’s with the dude in the frenulum helmet?
Chris: Oh wow.
Zoë: He’s the burned dude’s brother.
Chris: That’s it for that guy.
He’s also dead and sort of reanimated.
Kellie: Hahahahaha, oh that got a laugh from me.
Zoë: And a frankenstein.
Chris: By the guy who’s body he just sorta broke.
Jesse: WOAH
Chris: I mean some of this is sorta fun.
It’s candy, not meat.
Zoë: If we don’t get the Prince that was Promised, we at least get the Cleganebowl that was strongly hyped for.
Chris: And if that’s not a metaphor for 2019 I don’t know what is.
Family together again at last.
Zoë: This is very reminiscent of family Thanksgivings, isn’t it?
Buildings crumbling, siblings fighting, meat roasting (#toosoon?)
Kellie: Soo where did Arya go, exactly
John: Oh, so nothing outside of decapitation is going to stop the Mountain.
Chris: What’s Bran up to?
Kellie: Warging out somewhere?
Zoë: Oh man, it would be cool if Bran had like the power to see into time and/or the power to take over the brains of other animals and could warg into the dragon and stop all this.
John: “Feeling cute, might warg later, idk”
Chris: Haha what is there to stop?
She’s destroyed the whole city!
Zoë: He can time travel!
Stop it before it happened!
Jesse: I can’t tell how much of this is jokes.
Chris: Oh wow.
Shit.
Jesse: Are you dead yet? Grunt twice for no.
John: Told you Varys would be redeemed.
Chris: Oh, I didn’t doubt it a bit, he’s the only one who was right about anything.
Jesse: Can a character I know the name of die already?
John: Arya is gonna kill the shit out of Dany, right?
Chris: Haha Qyburn and both Cleganes are pretty good deaths.
Jesse: Who?
Zoë: I have to be completely honest here…there is some ridiculousness in this episode to be sure, but I might actually be kind of into this.
John: Yeah those were great.
Chris: I keep going back and forth.
John: This is the best episode of the season so far.
Kellie: I’m still mad.
Chris: I do kind of agree it’s the best episode of the season but that’s easy to hit.
Zoë: I’m gonna say that this episode is the most reminiscent of GRRM’s writing to me in a LONG time, and I am actually buying the ending because I feel like I recognize this story again.
Chris: I like it that Arya is being nice to other people all of a sudden.
John: Please tell me Arya didn’t just melt.
Kellie: Like. I know I’m stating that obvious but she’s killing all the civilians cause we couldn’t have a female character come to power without having her downfall be a stereotypical “women are too emotional and can’t be relied on to govern with rationale” so let’s further THAT bullshit a little more !?!?!
Chris: I think Dany was always supposed to be heading towards this.
I don’t think that’s the show writing being sexist.
Kellie: I do.
Chris: There’s been hints of this since season 2.
Zoë: I believe that 100%. I was extremely skeptical the show could get me there.
John: Yeah, like when I say I’m team Sansa I mean it.
Zoë: There are a LOT of powerful women in this show exhibiting many different sides to power.
Kellie: Oh, me too, I just don’t have faith we will get it.
John: All this does is vindicate the woman who has suffered the most.
Chris: The mad king’s daughter is the mad queen.
Kellie: Me too being team Sansa I mean.
I’m too skeptical.
John: Sansa, who has Dany pegged from the beginning.
Chris: But yeah there’s other women who are not portrayed as insane. Sansa and now with Arya showing INCREASED humanity.
Lyanna Mormont was a hero.
Jesse: I’m not really sure I know what’s going on anymore and I don’t think it’s my fault.
Chris: Cersei and Dany have always been psychos.
Zoë: Lady Tyrell, Margarery…some of them have died but all differently powerful women.
Catelyn Stark.
Chris: Oooh lady Tyrell was my favorite.
John: This was always a story about the Starks.
Chris: Fitting ending for Jaime and Cersei.
Jesse: Rocks fall, everybody dies.
Kellie: I’m not saying there haven’t been powerful women characters.
Zoë: Oh damn, these are the ashes Dany saw in her vision as snow so long ago.
Chris: Ohhhhhh
The vision makes sense.
Kellie: I’m just saying they couldn’t further the story without sexism.
Chris: She was the one who did it.
Kellie: Ohh yeah season one!?
Zoë: See, this is back to what I like, misinterpreted prophecy, confused magic.
Chris: What is she looking at?
Zoë: A burned body.
Chris: But is it someone she knows?
Nah I guess not.
Zoë: I don’t think so.
Chris: Magic horse?
Zoë: Where’s Nymeria’s wolf army?
Chris: How is there this random horse?
John: Welp.
Chris: Ok fine, best episode of the season.
John: The Rains of Castamere!
Zoë: I hate being wrong, but I’m pretty sold. That was powerful.
John: Yeah that was great.
Chris: It was a bit of a final twist.
Like what the Jesus happens now?
John: It all more or less landed.
Zoë: It wasn’t even a twist in terms of plot. They just….did a great job.
Chris: Yeah well, that constitutes a twist at this point.
John: Yeah like this wasn’t really a battle.
Which we all thought.
Chris: Yeah right.
Exactly.
It was just devastation and horror.
Laid bare for everyone to see.
Kellie: Hahaha that’s all you get for the preview.
Chris: That was like seven seconds.
Zoë: And like…I can FEEL Dany’s rage and pain, I can imagine how good it feels to burn them all….and still be fucking horrified.
It was great.
Jesse: Just Arya on a beach with an umbrella in her drink.
John: Varys AND possibly this final season were redeemed.
Chris: Haha let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
John: “If you think this has a happy ending you haven’t been paying attention.”
Chris: I have to say that I like it that a decade’s worth of people warning about this very thing and trying to prevent it have all been proven right.
This is more shit that falls on Ned Stark’s shoulders.
I never wanted a happy ending just a correct one.
Jesse: I take issue with dragon use. You make certain agreements with an author. The rules can be whatever you want, but they have to be consistent. They can’t get plucked out of the air like nothing from nowhere one second, then unstoppable WMD the next.
John: We may get one yet.
Chris: I DEFINITELY agree with that, Jesse.
John: Ehhh, they got a good look at all those crossbows last week. They knew where the Iron Fleet was.
Chris: Look it’s a good twist. And it’s a real one. I don’t think anyone expected it to be as horrifying as it was, except maybe Varys.
Zoë: Yeah, no, the dragon death was BS.
Kellie: But they had to have it dead, otherwise Jon would have had to go get it and have a dragon v dragon battle with Dany.
Chris: Good point.
Yes I think that’s true plot wise.
Zoë: I’m talking about mechanics, not plot.
Kellie: Oh yeah for mechanics definitely agree with you.
Chris: Mechanics have been a problem for a long time though.
That’s the whole issue.
That’s what isn’t fixed by this episode.
SOME OF the plot damage has been fixed but only because they did a good job this episode, making us forget the whole Night King fiasco.
I will not forget!
Zoë: Oh, I haven’t forgotten, I had just expected ALL the plots to be shit.
Jesse: He’s coming back, right?
John: Chris remembers. The North remembers!