I Never Take My Own Advice (Dispatches from the Underground)
I reviewed my April predictions to see they were all true and I didn’t listen to any of them
Strange fact: once I write something, especially if I complete it and publish it somewhere, I can never remember what I said in it. I have no idea why this is, but it’s always been the case. Sometimes, I can read something I posted just last week and it’s as unfamiliar as if it were from a stranger. This can be helpful for editing — since I can’t recall the words I’ve written, it can allow for a greater level of semi-objective attachment — but it makes conversations with people somewhat difficult. Sometimes people will come up to tell me something they liked or didn’t like or found unusual about a piece I’ve written and I nod and smile but in my head I’m racing, like “What the hell did I say? Which piece is she talking about? Hopefully I don’t have to go into much detail in this conversation…” Sometimes I figure it out and sometimes I don’t.
Anyway, there’s still a week (ish) left in April and I’m gonna be slammed the whole time, so I figured now’s as good a moment as ever to peek back at the monthly outlook I posted way back on the first. I was crossing my fingers that I got it right, or at least didn’t get it TOO wrong; I can’t have you all thinking I’m full of shit already, after only a single full-month forecast. I’m counting on it taking much longer than that. Since I can’t remember on my own what the hell I put in there, I take a deep breath and cross my fingers — this is like the unveiling of a long-forgotten time capsule or something.
You know, from three weeks ago.
*Wait for it…*
Whew — turns out I am in the clear. I won’t rule out the notion that your experience to date of the fourth month of 2019 may have been very different from mine, but from where I’m sitting, I got it pretty good. So good, in fact, that I’m a little chastened — the biggest thing that jumped off the page was all the applicable good advice in there that I COMPLETELY forgot to listen to. It’s my own advice! You’d think I would maybe pay attention to myself, at last to the things I say publicly, but no — and in some cases it would have helped if I had.
Reviewing the first section, roughly covering the gist of what I’d garnered from White and Coppock and Brennan and Surtees, and it all matches up. Instantly, however, I regretted something I DIDN’T write, mainly because I couldn’t figure out how best to describe it — a note on Austin Coppock’s overall tone in the Astrology Podcast episode covering the month. He was, as ever, confident that the first part of this month represents probably the best time of the year, but even when discussing this, there was palpable unease in his voice, and he was clear to articulate the fact that even as this may be the peak fortuitous time, the darker elements due to take the fore a little ways down the road are already present with us. This is not an out-and-out jubilant time even when things are as good as they get. There’s caveats, asterisks. Things hanging over our heads — clouds, mostly. Even more than the details I included, this mood describes accurately what I’ve experienced.
There’s been much to write home about, much accomplished, much achieved, much begun in a timely manner — but there’s also been no rest for the weary and no abatement to aggravation of one form or another.
The good news is that among the aspects of this outlook that I DIDN’T forget or ignore is the most basic, standard, seasonal reminder that now is the time to finish getting started on the big operations for the year. By month’s end (now, essentially), we need to pivot from forward march and frequent genesis to consolidation and maintenance of what’s been established so far. Every time in any year it comes time to do this, I never feel like I’ve done enough. This time is no exception. But if I’m being clear-headed about it, I know I’ve put the time and the work in, and I know from having paid attention to this sort of thing for a few years now that what I’ve done is more than enough. Plenty here to keep the year spinning all the way to closing time.
Another one — it was frankly impossible to ignore or forget the fact that we’re sitting here on the cusp of a new aeon of some kind of another. I didn’t remember writing about it but it’s been really damn clear that it’s going on — just look at my dispatches from last week, that’s practically what they were all about.
Here’s where I start forgetting, though.
There’s a second part to the whole new aeon thing:
“Yes, it’s difficult to feel certain enough right now to charge ahead. That’s very much acknowledged. There are definitely a number of elements of unresolved tension, although there appears to be the opportunity to come to various arrangements if we can discern what those arrangements might be.
We’re in a new stage of things, not just in terms of the palpable emergence of spring and all that entails — which itself exerts no small influence on this month — but in the longer-term cosmic sense (see last month’s outlook for the significance of the new Uranus cycle). We can’t be expected to know what this new age really is all about yet, and we can expect it to start off a little bit bumpy. But we are strong right now. Even if we don’t know it, we are. If you can’t muster up the true confidence needed to go on ahead with the tasks and projects you have in mind, fake it.
We might also call this having faith.
As the wheel turns and we find the Possible and New exploding in the twilight all around us, we must at the same time contend with the debris and residue that remain to be picked up — or perhaps burned away. That’s a process that is almost always uncomfortable but shouldn’t be resisted. We are once again promised a certain dark adventure a little ways ahead, and we should cling to the virtuous purity of this new season as we step off into that nerve-wracking unknown.”
It would have been really helpful to remember, during the moments in which I cursed the clouds about me and clenched my fists in impotent resistance to the rapidly descending stacks of change, the mysterious, uncertain, and frankly anxious nature of every aeon’s beginning. Of course, maybe it wouldn’t have helped — it’s possible I would have stayed just as pissed and added the new aeon to this list of things to curse. But I don’t know.
The next things I blew off were worse, though — reading the words back now, it was like they were yelling at me. There were some really specific things I could easily have paid attention to. Perhaps I did take a moment, as I suggested, to stabilize myself a little bit. I haven’t felt unstable — well, not overly so — over the last few weeks. But I can’t honestly say I ever really chilled out. I’m not sure I have entered into any “secret pacts and agreements”, as was warned about, but I’m not sure I entirely remained FREE of them, either. In fact, I’m certain that I didn’t. Just as the warning says, I now have to deal with that entanglement, the sort that isn’t easily discarded.
It gets even worse, as far as I’m concerned, because I explicitly advocated approaching others with openness, empathy, and gentleness, and I didn’t do any of that. The outlook suggests there are times when you/we/I might be right, but in which it is incorrect to fight the other person, and that was a bad thing to ignore. On multiple occasions, I found myself getting angry at something wrong someone had said or done, and I was right about their wrongness. I was wrong in thinking it best to confront it head-on and hard-lined. I could have diffused things or let them go, and I didn’t. There’s no hard feelings and apologies have already been said, but I could have done my part better.
Still, there’s a couple other things I managed to keep in mind — I reiterate again, of course, late in the piece, the need to start projects and I definitely have taken that seriously. I would say I did a half-decent job of flowing on like water, if perhaps overexcited, overfull, overquick water.
In summary, the good news is that my outlook for April was pretty damn solid, as far as I’m concerned, and the bad news is that before I can urge you — with a straight face — to pay attention to the next one, I need to be sure in the month of May to do so myself.
Already starting to work on that outlook — expect it May 1, along with any other May Day fabulousness you may be anticipating.
The fast pace of life, particularly as pertains to major events — some of which are of a spiritual or ritual or at least seasonal quality — continues to take me a bit by surprise. It’s usually like this for me from June to October, with nearly every weekend booked with the best possible activities and occasions, and every weeknight packed with as much merriment and/or creativity I can muster. I love that. But it’s just April and it’s not looking like we’re taking the foot off the gas anytime soon. Given that we’re headed into a storm, I hope that’s okay.
Not sure I can do much about it if it’s not.
Following up on the dynamic and earth-shattering Nick Mason experience I referenced in a 3,000 word piece without ever fully describing, we rounded out the Lenten season with an epic Holy Saturday group caravan journey — kids and all — to the sacred sand bar that is Plum Island, an hour spent on the beach, followed by some lovely seafood for dinner, and at least the first part of a Space Force show at the Newburyport Brewing Company.
That’s a good — and even meaningful — way to spend Holy Saturday.
Easter, for me, was everything that it should be.
In the midst of all of this (pretty much in the wee hours of Easter morning), I also managed to carve out some time for reflection, documenting the experience of my bizarre and heavy compound spiritual exercise I’d placed in front of myself for the 47 days of Lent. It’s a good thing I did — remember to reflect! “Integration” is a mushy and overused word, but we do have to take the deep experiences we stack up and actually process them, identify the gains and/or losses, and call out their meanings. At least, we have to if we want them to prove any use to our advancement or development or even metamorphosis, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Some of you may be hungrier for more details about this whole Lent deal, but it’s honestly really convoluted and weird to explain. The easiest thing for me to say is that the experiment leaves me feeling subtly transformed — CHANGED OVER strikes me as a more precise phrase — fundamentally fortified, and, best of all, with a clear view of what I need to be doing going forward.
Now, as I navigate all the action to come, the key is to actually DO these things.
Just two big dispatches for this week; a little bit out of character. I think this gives you enough to chew on for this week, but next time I’ll be sure to have several random and bizarre scraps of thought to share. Until then.