My Boy Married into This Lithuanian Family
I make her laugh a bunch of times while we’re dancing at this wedding. Then we’re getting a drink at the bar. I duck outside and take a quick smoke break near my truck in the parking lot. I step back inside feeling like Baby New Year.
We eye each other up, sitting a table away from one another. The hands on the clock reach for the twelve. We cross paths at the bar, and she glances at me with the facial expression that men have fought and sailed and declared war and suffered for over time immemorial. She’s got nothing to say, really, when we materialize together in a corner. Like she’s breathless. She’s just giving me smirky little smiles. Chick is mad cute, super short. I’m all about it.
I lean in and I say, Teach me sexy words in your language.
She says Haha ok, ok in Lithuania, we say blah blah blah. It mean, to have hot fuck, haha, haha.
I say, no, not sexual words, I mean, say some shit that sounds hot and alluring, damn. I mean, like, in English we borrow from all other languages, right? All these loanwords, and the amalgam in general that is the fucking language of my present day, New Jersey, American English language...All this shit, it creates some random, sexy sounding words and phrases with disassociated meanings... cellar door being the famous example. Or like our reactions to the pure musical nature of foreign language. Like, in French, pamplemoose means grapefruit. Say that shit. Pomm-pluh-moose. Wow. So aesthetically pleasing. Some would say the physiological reaction to saying or hearing that word makes the word erotic.
I know she’s not really following me, but fuck it. I’m living like a duke before the march to the guillotine. I flash her a grin like Lucifer’s concierge.
She says to me, I do not know? What you mean?
I concentrate on my drink for a minute, long. Sipping the neat bourbon slowly. Savoring the burn like I’m an Important Man of Industry waiting to hear if some ships sank or some shit. I lean close to her. I’m like, I don’t think I could ever be fully attracted to someone who didn’t understand my meaning in this particular instance. It would break my heart before it even got started and after that, anything else would be kinda worthless, don’t you think so, Katerina?
She just laughs again. Haha! I do not know... what you mean? You are funny you are crazy let’s daaaaance
Oh my god she was like a sexy little medieval elf. She loved to smoke hash and fuck with Sabbath blasting from the speakers in the cabana. Really short, like 5’1… but I’ve already mentioned her height once, now it’s just going to sound like I’ve got some kind of fixation or fetishize short Eastern European women or I don’t know what the fuck.
This chick was sharp, otherwise. I could have fallen hard for this one, over time, and got into some real shit I’m probably too old for. She would have been a fucking jaguar. Damn.
Two months after that night we met at the wedding, Katerina left my apartment like she just heard Lithuania was bombed. Her feet were carrying her down the hall and out the door, away from me and my endless gag reel played out in real time. She said I treated her like a prostitute, at least sometimes, but it’s just as good as all the time. It shows that I’m capable of being a really fucked up person. I know this. I knew it then and I know it now and I’ll know it until I fucking die.
Okay, okay, but anyway, here’s the thing: Here is what got me all fucking hung up. I’m thinking that it wasn’t all about how she didn’t know what I was going on and on about with the whole “teach me sexy words” bullshit and all that. I know English was not her first or her strongest language. I’m not a goddamn demon. I think it was that the Lithuanian language doesn’t even HAVE any sexy linguistic shit going on, so her brain couldn’t allow such a concept to be crystallized. Even if she DID understand me, it was a lost fucking cause, man.