Oh, No.
Dispatches from the Underground deals with a very difficult loss, wonders why the September forecast was so bad, and brings us back to the drug website of our childhood
I was sitting at the head of the table in the conference room, something I spend an absurd amount of my time doing. I was slouched in my chair, mindlessly scrolling Facebook — something I spend an even more absurd amount of my time doing. A meeting had just fizzled to a close or the next one hadn’t begun yet or maybe whatever was going on just wasn’t interesting enough to hold my attention. Also common.
I scrolled past it, something registering in my brain even though I hadn’t consciously seen it. I moved back up the page and yeah, there it was, an old familiar photo of Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia — smiling together, what a pair, the lyricist and the performer. Then I saw the words and though I can’t remember what exactly was going on in the room at the time, I know I spoke aloud: “Oh, no.”
It was the Rolling Stone article that broke the news. The headline: “Robert Hunter, Grateful Dead Collaborator and Lyricist, Dead at 78.”
Cliched though the comparison may be, there’s no other way to describe it except to say it felt like I had been punched. Physically, I felt like I had been punched.
Oh, no.
The man had, of course, been 78. I knew one day I would get this news. I knew I probably wouldn’t get to see him perform live, much less thank him for all he’d done. I expected this, to a certain degree, but not on that day, not this week, not in that place. I didn’t think I would find out by scrolling Facebook, that I would see it before any of my friends. I don’t know what I expected — it’s as though I thought someone would send me a telegram with the news.
I don’t know. But there it was. There it is. This is hitting me really hard. I revere this man, but even so I didn’t realize it would get me like this. I’m not much for celebrity mourning. Man, this one hurts, though.
I know I didn’t know him personally. I know that, whether he lived or died, I would never get any more of the man than I already had, through his voluminous song catalog. Now that he’s passed on to the next thing, I still have all of those things. His words will live forever, wholly undiminished by the conclusion of his particular incarnation. I know this. I’m still quietly in tears multiple times a day over it. It’s outside my control. Just this morning I burst into tears singing along with “Standing on the Moon.” Like, full on.
I make no secret of my affinity for sacred texts, most of which are fairly ancient, but Hunter’s words are the holiest I’ve ever encountered. His songs comprise my own personal Book of Common Prayer; more still, my own personal prayer book and the liturgical hymnal of my life. Robert Hunter (with no small assist from his onetime partner Garcia) connects me to the divine like absolutely nothing else I’ve found — and I’ve found a lot.
We shall never see his like again.
I can’t say more without rambling just now; I’m a mess and can do little but express my grief. But this isn’t even the kind of thing I can pen in a single piece, even a long one.
I have an idea.
Just when I thought I was getting good at my monthly forecasts, September comes along to give me a much-needed dose of humility. What the hell happened here?
Even the astrologers pointed toward a glorious month and that’s NOT what I just lived through. Don’t get me wrong — there were some MAJOR highlights that were very high and very lit, but overall, this was kind of a clusterfuck if I’m being honest.
Worst of all, here I made a very specific prediction — that some sort of uniquely attuned sage would be appearing. Where the hell is the sage? Do you see a new wise person anywhere? Certainly I don’t see any such thing in a general, national or societal sense. If such a wizard has appeared in my own life, clearly I am too stupid to recognize them for who they are, which is just as bad (if not worse) than them not showing up in the first place.
Did I misread the signs or did something get knocked off-kilter here, some strange factor coming in at the last minute to change history? I don’t really know.
The hits keep on coming, because even in areas in which I MIGHT have been able to follow my own advice, I didn’t. Did you hold fast to your creative powers and accumulate them? I am pretty sure I did not. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but September just felt like a creative slog, always behind on deadlines, not as motivated as I needed to be, so bogged down by all of it that I was never really feeling very creative at all. Sometimes these things simmer beneath the surface, only to reveal themselves as having been going on the entire time much down the road; maybe that’s what’s going on here. I hope so.
If we are indeed in the middle of a transformation to a new phase, one that’s in many ways already complete, I certainly — as of yet — lack any substantive understanding of what the nature of this new sphere might be. MAJOR shrug emoji.
All this to say — it’s all right. Never let it be said that I don’t admit it when I’m confused or drawing a blank! We’ll try again in October.
Who remembers Erowid? Anyone? I feel like they don’t get a lot of attention these days, but anyone my age (up to a little bit older) who’s ever experimented with recreational chemistry at any point in our lives likely owes a debt to Erowid dot org. Back in the day, this was the only place to learn about drugs, what they do to you, and how to do them! I cannot calculate the number of hours — especially circa 2001–2004 — I spent reading the detailed, nearly clinical community-submitted experience reports for countless uppers, downers, laughers, and screamers as it were.
They began performing this service — “they” being Fire Erowid and Earth Erowid — back when it was unclear if this was actually an okay thing to do. Let’s not forget 1995, when Erowid got started, was smack in the middle of the DARE era. This was not a friendly time for consciousness experimentation.
It’s better now.
Thank Erowid, in large part, for that.
I say all this because, though it’s been many years since I spent much time in those hallowed, almost time capusley, virtual halls, I saw an ad on Instagram informing me that Erowid is currently in the midst of a fund drive and for the next couple days some benefactor is matching donations. I sent them some currency and you should, too.
Happy Michaelmas to all! May your will be strong enough to slay all the dragons!