The Action Unfolding with the Thought

The mind will work alongside the body. It will also do its own work outside of the body.

We can get by on the disconnect most people, myself included, have with their bodies — for a while. There is a disconnect when we give way to negative thoughts and perceptions about how our body should be versus what it truly is. We can go through almost a whole day not realizing the big or little things that happened along the way, driving to work every day not really noticing how you got there. Realizing your children have aged five years in what feels like a few weeks. Is it possible to ever remain connected to ourselves in a world where not being good enough is pushed into our faces daily (if not nearly every minute that we’re scrolling on our phones)? That world promises that one day we will find that connection, but ensures we follow this promise only on the cusp.

Just look now at the idea of “fitness.” I recently deleted all of the people I follow on Instagram that give me bad feelings about myself. I don’t believe anyone is truly trying to make me feel like garbage, but I sure feel it when the “I have so much self discipline” train rolls in while they log miles on a treadmill and I’m dealing with phone calls to insurance people while trying to figure out how I’m going to drive my kid to school today when my car is sitting in my driveway yet unsafe to drive.

Everyday I roll out my yoga mat. Sometimes only for 15 minutes. I “light” my LED candle (oh, apartment living) and I quickly thank the universe for light. I breathe. I stretch. I am trying to be comfortable in my body. My head requires several reminders throughout the day that my body is sacred, capable, lovable, strong, and wonderful. Lately I have been using an app that does the thinking for me, showing me which pose to do, one at a time. It’s hard enough to start, let alone think about what to do. Sometimes though, I like to contemplate a sequence, jot it down, and really focus on my problem areas: balances for confidence and challenge, stretches for those aches that just don’t seem to go away as I age. Some days I nearly feel ready to move past the physical poses and concentrate more on breath. Some days I do not feel this way at all and rolling out my mat to sit, or lay quietly breathing, is plenty.

I am terrified of opening my heart. There was no fight or flight, just a freeze, and frozen I stood while I allowed life to happen to me. It isn’t quite right to say I have been doing nothing, but I never held confidence to do what needed to be done. Being vulnerable in a class full of strangers is an absolute nightmare. Being vulnerable by myself (or with my 5 year old running around) is somehow almost more difficult. I’ve been getting caught up in worrying too much to focus on anything else. Despite all of the perceived setbacks I seem to be up against, a few things have fallen into place that really freed up my heart to feel again. There’s a rekindling of passion with my lover, a job opportunity I thought I’d buried brought back to life, and we’re going to be moving again into a place where I will have my own space. Remembering that I can only control myself, my thoughts, and my actions really helps me to open up to people I normally stayed closed off from. It’s a real work in progress, but I am working hard.

For the first time ever, I reached back and my right hand touched my right ankle. Not only touched, but easily wrapped my hand around and stayed for just a moment before I realized what was happening. The position is called half camel, and it is a true heart-opening pose. My left arm was up by my left ear and my heart was open to the sky. There was this wave of calm, followed by a burst of confidence. “I really did it this time!” I exclaimed out loud, then re-positioned myself to continue my practice. I did a few more poses before switching to the left side to attempt the half camel pose on that side. I was so confident. I felt so free, so open. I reached back. My left hand came nowhere near my ankle. Isn’t that just life? You put in the work, you have one success, and your confidence soars. Then when you make the next attempt, you fail. Miserably.

Maybe one day next week I’ll get it. It’s just like an arm balance — no one does crow the first time. Backbends look easy enough, but when your heart is working on self love, and your head is so far from understanding the heart, the hands have nowhere to go. They hover, waiting, and you can hurt yourself overdoing it — or brush it off and try again next time.

I was so disappointed for a minute. I can tell I’m growing because it did not set me too far back. I have had so many days where a pose that was easy last week, I literally cannot get into today. People go through this all of the time. Getting back to it, and knowing when it’s truly time to give up or maybe just take a break is difficult. Some days will be much harder than others. It’s called a practice, not a finish.

There is no finish to life, except death, which arguably is still not the end. Think about laundry, or dishes. You will always have to need clean clothes, or dishes to cook with and eat on. They are never “done,” and maybe you are someone who gets that sweet moment between meals. I never have that moment, and as the days and weeks turn into months and years, I care less about dirty dishes. I have a five year old and my mantel now holds an altar for a topless motorcycling lady flipping the bird, surrounded by unfinished chores, the words “Fuck Housework” adorning the bottom of the piece to really drive the point home. I am happy to relish in any sweet moments but I’ve stopped letting it define me as a life accomplishment. I’ve stopped making it a goal to achieve but rather just something that must be done. I put yoga well on the top of that “must do” list as well.

When the mind and the body are connected, it is bliss. It is fleeting most of the time, but sometimes everything just clicks. Some people meditate and live life to fulfill that true moment of oneness with the universe, of enlightenment. I am not living with that want. I want a small spiritual fulfillment, which to me requires my mind to remain connected to this body. It requires taking time out of a busy life to stop. Sometimes it’s really awful and sometimes it’s really dull, but sometimes I get that sweet moment of contentment. Breathe with me for a moment and feel connected. Practice.